I did this for Alan and The Hangover ...and I had to do it for Allen Gamble and The Other Guys. This movie has provided me with much joy over the last 24 hours and it will continue to do so for many years to come. I know there a few gems, line wise that I'm missing, maybe I'll add them later, but whatever ...I don't want no scrubs. Enjoy...
Terry: Can you stop smiling like that!
Allen: Now you’re asking me to mask my emotions because of how it makes you feel. That I will not do.
Terry: I don’t like you ...I think you’re a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal ...it sounds feminine. If we were in the wild I’d attack. Even if you weren’t in my food chain I would go out of my way to attack. If I were I lion and you were a tuna I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you! And then I’d bang your tuna girlfriend.
Allen: Okay, first off ...a lion? Swimming in the ocean?! Lions don’t like water! ...If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source that would make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean – 20 foot waves. I’m assuming it’s off the coast of South Africa ...coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends. You lose that battle ...you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what you’ve wondered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion! We’ve talked to ourselves, we’ve communicated...
Terry: ...Yeah
Allen: And said you know what, lion taste good! Let’s go get some more lion. We’ve developed a system to establish a beach head and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner, your ...your pride, your children your offspring
Terry: How you going to do that?
We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelt. We’ll be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It’s not going to be days at a time, but an hour, an hour forty-five. No problem! That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to sea get more oxygen and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You’re outgunned and outmanned! ...Did that go the way you thought it was going to go?
Terry: You gotta be shittin me! You can’t keep me cooped up in here okay! I’m a peacock! You gotta let me fly!
Detective Highsmith: You think what I’m thinking partner?
Detective Danson: Aim for the bushes.
Terry: There wasn’t even an awning in that direction
Allen: I know I know ...they jumped 20 stories. It doesn’t make sense, does it?
Terry: ...the city is dying for a hero.
Allen: Really?
Terry: Yeah
Allen: What about 9 million socially conscious and unified citizens all just stepping up and doing their part?
Terry: As a kid didn’t you play cops and robbers?
Allen: I’ll tell what I did as a little kid. I went to school, I made my bed, and at the age of 11 I audited my parents. Believe me there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.
Terry: What the hell are you!?
Fosse: So then what happened?
Martin: What do you think happened? I woke up, I took the belt off my neck, got in my car, and got out of there.
Fosse: Talk about a wild weekend.
Martin: I thought I was going to have to shoot my way out, hahahaha ...what are you going to do though, you know ...bar mitzvah’s.
Terry: What the hell is this?
Allen: It’s my car, it’s a Prius.
Terry: I feel like we’re literally driving around in a vagina.
Terry: Let’s go do some damage!
Allen: Nope.
Terry: What the hell is that!?
Allen: LRB ...Little River Band
Terry: This music makes me feel like I’m going shopping for a training bar.
Fosse: At the crime scene LOL
Martin: Good tweet! Good tweet!
Ershon: America has always been defined by its excess. The Grand Canyon, professional sports contracts, Wendy’s baconator, extra bacon! I myself have 18 Lamborghinis, and a Subaru station-wagon. And it’s because of this excess that I have flourished. I implore you, please do not stop profiting. Live for excess, it’s the American way.
Allen: If we’re going to do this together there some issues we need to settle, okay? You said I have a weak chin, you said the way the pee is feminine. How do you think that makes me feel? I mean, that list you have you put a lot of thought in. It’s weird.
Terry: I hear you. Let’s clean the slate right now, fresh start.
Allen: Alright, fresh start. Maybe we should ah ...call ourselves the Febreeze brothers because it’s feeling so fresh right now, right?
Terry: Let’s do another fresh start because I just want to punch you in the face. Last one.
Allen: I’m going to have to express myself.
Wesley: There are 3 things I love in this world: Kylie Monogue, small dimples just above a woman’s buttocks...
Allen: Beautiful features
Wesley: ...and the fear in a man’s eyes who knows I’m about to hurt him.
Captain Gene: Okay, they returned your shoes, and they returned your weapons. Here you go Terry. Allen someone was nice enough to put some linseed oil on that, so kind of stain that. Dark walnut or something, might want to think about dropping him a thank you note.
Allen: ...they can’t all be first round picks.
Allen: Let me apologize in advance okay, in case my wife acts like a world class bitch.
Allen: Look, if I put that in my Cosmo fashion app you’d probably get a D-
Sheila: ...then I show him my breasts, and I say these ...these are waiting for you when you get back home. You know Terry, they are not the biggest breasts he’s ever seen but man...
Allen: Not by a long shot.
Sheila: ...are they perky, and they are firm.
Precinct Officer: By the bodily fluids and hair samples we determined a bunch of homeless dudes had an orgy in the car.
Allen: Oh god!
Precinct Officer: Yeah, you know what that’s called when they do that in there? It’s called a soup kitchen. It’s pretty rough stuff.
Hal: You probably think because of the beard I’m really hairy. I’m not ...shaved.
Allen: I think we all experienced our own ballet today ...a ballet of emotions and feelings.
Terry: You can’t have a conscience in the pimp game. [Pimp's Don't Cry VIDEO]
Captain Gene: Do me a favour, don’t go chasing waterfalls.
Allen: Gator don’t play no shit! You feel me! Gator never been about that, never been about playing no shit!
Allen: Whose baby is that! Who’s the man who did that to you!? Gator’s bitches better be using jimmy’s!
Allen: I got so drunk last night. I think I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.
Allen: Gator needs his gat, punk ass bitch.
Terry: You keep hiding from shit in the world, and eventually the world comes to your front door.
Allen: Nice!
Captain Gene: Really nice!
Terry: I heard it on an episode of Touched By An Angel.
Captain Gene: You do us proud, because I don’t want no scrubs.
Captain Gene: ...real quiet, we gotta creep creep.
Ershon: I have a small apartment. No one knows about it. I use it mainly for my parents and prostitutes. Not at the same time, that’ll be wrong.
Terry: Let’s hear it from the top, every detail.
Ershon: I think the best way to tell a story is by starting at the end briefly then going back to the beginning. Then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters perspective throughout ...just to give a bit of dynamism, otherwise it’s just a linear story.
Allen: Just tell us what happened!
Ershon: Well, alright. I lost a bunch of money for some people and know they want it back.
Mama Ramos: Sheila says she doesn’t know what happened and she wants you back. She also says...
Allen: Yes...
Mama Ramos: ...she wants you on top of her holding her hair, and riding her like a bucking bronco while she’s sucks your thumb says “mama likey”
Allen: You tell your daughter...
Mama Ramos: He said he’ll always love you, and he’s so happy you’re having his child.
Sheila: Allen...
Mama Ramos: He also says that he wants you to stare into each other eyes without blinking while you do it.
Sheila: I love when we do that!
Mama Ramos: Then afterwards lick the sweat of each other. I don’t want to do this. You say things that are too personal.
Mama Ramos: She says she loves you, and wants to hold your hand and have iced tea with you.
Allen: Come on! That’s not all she said.
Mama Ramos: No, she says other things ...but I don’t want to...
Allen: Please please please, you don’t realize ...I may be killed tomorrow.
Mama Ramos: She says she wants to unplug all the clocks and the phones, and have a 3 day sex marathon...
Allen: That’s more like it, yeah.
Mama Ramos: She said she wants to walk wrong for a week because you guys did it so hard.
Allen: That’s lovely.
Allen: I’m going to break your hip. I’m about to do you grandpa style.
Terry: Where did you learn to drive like that?
Allen: Grand Theft Auto
Martin: ...and statistically speaking there is about 30 kids in here, 10 of are going to be dead by your next birthday.
Fosse: I got a couple of tips to help you guys stay out of jail. One; try your best not to be Black or Hispanic.
Martin: It’s a good tip!
Terry: Who are those guys!?
Ershon: They’re Czechian investors. We were going to do a Czechian version of Dora The Explorer. It went terribly wrong.
Ershon: Wait! Computers ...what if one day they were in charge!?
Fosse: I hope you like prison food ...and penis!
Captain Gene: Hey, let me tell you something; as far as paperwork goes we’ll take care of it. You know why? I ain’t too proud to beg.
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